O Death
From a chat I had with my ex-girlfriend Kelly Thomas the other day, regarding the death of my mother the day before. Edited for clarity.
Kelly: Jason, are you online?
Jason: Yeah, I’m here. How are you?
Kelly: I’m ok, I’m really sorry to hear about your mom.
Jason: Thanks. It was a long time coming. Fortunately I got to visit her two weeks ago to say goodbye.
Karen Wells, my mother. 14 December 1945 - 12 February 2009.
Kelly: I know she’s been sick for a long time but its still hard. I’m glad you were able to visit her.
Jason: Me too.
Kelly: So when is the funeral?
Jason: I don’t know exactly. Dad says the service will be in the next few days.
Kelly: How’s your dad doing?
Jason: He doesn’t let it out much, but I can tell he’s really hurting. I hope he feels relief.
Kelly: Me too, It does get better, but takes awhile. I still miss my dad.
Jason: I bet.
Mom’s been going, going, gone for a long time though. Once I understood she couldn’t be there for my wedding, that’s when it really sank in that she’s just not there anymore.
Kelly: So how are things otherwise? Are you working today or take the day off?
Jason: I haven’t decided. I’m actually doing okay, basically. I’ll probably go in later.
Kelly: I think after my dad died I was in shock. And then it hit me at the funeral. But I guess you were there so I’m probably not telling you something you don’t already know!
Jason: When I think about her, it doesn’t really hurt. Sometimes it does if I remember how she was a long time ago.
But when I went to see her… man. She was in a cognitive twilight. Some bit of her was there, but not much. That was upsetting to see. Most of who she was was gone already.
Kelly: I like to think that when my dad died he was finally at peace.
Jason: That’s a nice thought. I’m just glad Mom’s long darkness is over.
I know if someone had told her this was to be her fate, she would have been horrified. Especially because of the impact it had on the rest of the family.
Kelly: My dad too. I think he was in denial about it though. But maybe that’s part of why we don’t know the future, eh? We’d never hold out for it. 
Ok it’s not always that bad.
Jason: Heh.
Kelly: I don’t know how you feel about the whole spiritual stuff, but even if her mind wasn’t there I think her spirit was. The body is always just an impermanent condition.
Jason: I look at it this way. Who my mom was came from her mind, from her brain. Mostly people think of the mind as a uniform thing, but it’s not that way at all. From what little I understand of neuroscience, it’s structured in an unbelievably complicated way. When she had the brain tumor, some of those structures were damaged or destroyed. And then the radiation therapy, which did kill the tumor, caused the rest of the gradual but vast damage to her brain that ultimately killed her.
Kelly: So what happens when you die?
Jason: I think we’re all part of the world. We’re natural. We are born in nature. We don’t pop into existence from any ethereal plane. Our mothers give birth to us.
And we die naturally too. Once something in the world no longer exists, it no longer exists. The part of the world that was her is now gone, to be other things now.
Kelly: Like what?
Jason: Lots of things. Our memories of her. Or things that she created or caused, like my existence or Dave’s. Or the effect she had on Dad, or any relatives, or anyone who ever knew her. And her body, the physical expression of her, returns to simpler things.
Kelly: I think that’s really beautiful.
Jason:
Kelly: I made you smile!
Jason: I never needed a separate spiritual world. The natural world is more than enough for me.
Kelly: Sometimes it’s so beautiful I can barely stand it.
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